


Heaven and Hell Were Words To Me

by sgteam14283



Series: Better Version of Me [5]
Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Canon-Typical Violence, F/M, Feelings Realization, Friends to Lovers, Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-03
Updated: 2020-06-09
Packaged: 2021-03-04 04:49:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,336
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24517954
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sgteam14283/pseuds/sgteam14283
Summary: Tuchanka is the best and worst thing to happen to James Vega.
Relationships: Female Ryder | Sara/James Vega
Series: Better Version of Me [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1707859
Kudos: 2





	1. Not According to Plan

**Author's Note:**

> The next installation for Ryder and Vega. Also this is posted in part with MERomanceWeek on Tumblr. Today's prompt was a ME/ME:A crossover and since that's the basis of this series, two birds one stone. Enjoy!

“Commander?” 

“Hm?” Rose Shepard replied, not looking up from the data pad. They were on Tuchanka and so far things had been shaky. 

First Joker had told her that there was a Reaper at the Shroud, so they’d had to modify their plans. She’d wanted Vega and his fire-power, but he was getting over a cold he’d caught after helping out in the refugee camp so he was off rotation until he got better. Then, dealing with Wrex’s brother had been a pain in the ass. Thankfully Eve had stepped in before any real fighting could start.

The only thing that had gone right so far was Kirahee being a lifesaver when trying to get Eve and Mordin onto the Normandy.

“There’s something wrong with the Major.” Anna Ryder said, the sinking feeling she’d had in her stomach since getting word about being on Shep’s squad growing.

“What?” Rose looked up at the statement and noticed that Kaidan wasn’t sitting where he’d been when she’d gotten called over to review the updated scouting report. “Where’d he go?”

“Not sure, ma’am.”

A quick glance around the area and Rose found the familiar blue and white armor sitting on a slab a fair distance from the rest of the group. 

“ _That’s not like him._ ” she thought with a frown. Not wanting to let Wrex and his crew know that there was anything wrong before she could confirm it, she nodded while locking the pad. 

“I’ll look for him, go to the second rover and start loading our weapons.” 

Anna nodded her understanding and walked off. Rose waited until she was far enough before casually walking over to Kadain. 

“Hey, you alright?” she asked softly. If her guess was right and he had a migraine, she didn’t want to make it worse.

“I’ll be fine. Just need a few minutes.” Kaidan gritted out, the pressure in his head making it feel like Wrex was sitting on it. Rubbing a hand across his forehead, he tried to focus on Rose but failed.

“Kaidan, c’mon.” Rose let a slight sigh escape as she saw how much pain he was in. “We’ve known each other for how long? You don’t have to lie to me.”

“I’m fine, really. I know how important this is and that you need the extra hand. So to speak.”

“No.” Rose straightened while activating her comm link to the Normandy. “EDI?”

_Yes, Commander?_

“Kaidan’s got a bad migraine. Tell Cortez to spin up the Kodiak and get you down here ASAP. And notify Chakwas.” 

_Right away Shepard._

Rose held out a hand for Kaidan to take and after a second's hesitation, took it.

“Sorry.” Kaidan muttered as Rose looped his arm around her neck to give him extra balance.

“Don’t be Kaidan.” 

Anna heard the sounds of a shuttle and looked to see the Kodiak settle in a cloud of dust. Curious, she paused in loading the rover and watched as Rose helped Kaidan towards it while EDI stepped out. Watching the AI walk towards her, she tried to ignore the flash of anger that flared up. Clenching her fist she turned around sharply, her boots scraping against loose rocks. 

“Corporal.” EDI said when she was near enough. “Major Alenko has a migraine so Commander Shepard wants me to join the squad instead.”

“Great.” Anna simply replied, not looking at the android.

“Is there a problem with my presence? Since you have joined the crew you avoid being around me and have even declined to give me access to your omni-tool.”

Anna let out a huff, displacing a few loose strands of hair. “I’m sure you have access to my father’s Alliance records and news articles from that year.” 

“He was dishonorably discharged when it was discovered he was developing an AI in Council space.”

“That also tanked my brother’s Alliance career, which is why he decided to join my father and leave the galaxy. After that Alec shut himself in his lab barely helping out when my brother needed it the most. So yeah, I don’t trust AI.”

“Everything ready?” Rose asked as she rounded a corner on the rover. Stopping short, she noticed the faint redness on Anna’s cheeks and the way that her and EDI were facing each other. “Is there a problem?”

“No ma’am.” Anna said before slamming a cryo clip into her shotgun as Wrex, Eve, and Mordin got into the rover. 

“Alright, let’s go.” Rose said, still not confident that Ryder was telling the truth. But they were pressed for time so whatever it was could be dealt with later.

\--  
Get a thresher maw to attack the Reaper.

Anna wasn’t sure if that was a brilliant plan or a stupid one. But at the same time the plans Shepard came up with seemed to be in that vein and somehow managed to work so she had to guess that this one would be the same. 

“We’ll activate the hammers, which will call the maw here.” Rose said as they stood in the battle arena where krogan used to fight thresher maws. “Hopefully it’ll be pissed off enough that it sees the Reaper and decides to fuck with it. That should give Mordin enough time to counter the STG sabotage and disperse the cure. EDI, I need you to make sure Reaper forces don’t get near the lab.”

“I can monitor the lab from here, Commander.”

Rose gave a brief nod, “Good. Ryder, how are you biotics?”

“The powerbar helped, Commander.” Anna was tired and could feel that her biotics weren’t responding as quickly as she’d like, but she’d push through. The Commander, as well as the krogan, were counting on everyone being at the top of their game right now. And if an AI could do the job then so could she.

“Good. We’re only going to get one shot at this so we need to make it count.” Rose said, looking at both of them and waiting for confirmation before putting on her helmet. “Let’s get to it then.”

They made it up the stairs before the Reaper started blasting them.

“Take cover!” Shepard yelled while diving behind a large chunk of rock. The red light from the giant machine cut a path right down the middle of the road that led towards the Shroud. Bits of stone and other debris flew into the air and she felt tiny bits hit her helmet. 

Then it stopped and she knew they had to take advantage of the break. “Move!”

Anna leapt up when Shepard said to go, following the Commander as they wove their way towards the hammers. A screeching sound filled the air behind them and over the comms heard Wrex shout, “ _We’ve got rachni!_ ”

“Damn it.” Rose muttered under her breath as she spotted a red light appear ahead of them and realized their time was up. “You need backup?”

“ _We’ve got it covered Shepard. You just focus on getting the thresher maw over here!_ ”

“EDI, left! Ryder with me!” Rose slid to the ground as the reaper gave a loud yell and barely got into cover before the red beam swept towards them again. Then there was the unmistakable screech of a banshee and Rose flipped to her disruptor ammo.

Anna heard the banshee and hoped that husks weren’t accompanying them. Popping her head up, she saw that they hadn’t gotten that lucky and the zombie like creatures were rushing towards them. Pulling out her pistol, she made sure it was loaded and started to pick them off. 

“Want me to throw a singularity?” she shouted over the battlefield noise.

“That-” Rose cut off with a grunt as a husk grabbed her arm and she stopped firing to butt the back of her Avenger to free herself before stabbing it with her omni-blade. “would be fine!”

“Heads up!” Anna concentrated her biotics into one hand and threw the dark blue energy towards the center of the mass of husks. Almost instantly they were pulled towards the gravity well and that made it easier to kill them. Soon they’d thinned out the ranks enough to break through. 

Running down the path, they made their way to where Drack had told them the hammers would be. Anna didn’t know if this was a great idea or if it was just a stupid one and they’d get killed by reaper forces before the thresher maw came for them.

Her heart pounding underneath her armor, Ryder got into position and nodded to show that she was ready. Shepard struggled to activate the first hammer but eventually managed to press the button down. The ground trembled and they all had to shift in order to stay upright. In the distance there was a roar and then much closer there was a blast from the giant Reaper that was trying to manipulate the Shroud. Another few seconds went by and Ryder could see movement in the distance.

A Marauder.

“We’ve got company, Commander! Marauder incoming!”

“Copy.” Shepard said, fighting off the husks that were concentrating on her. EDI managed to get a few and Rose turned to see the giant animal loping closer.

Anna pooled her biotics into one hand and once the brute was nearer, threw a lance. The dark energy wrapped around it and slowed it down, but not by much. She then opened fire, hoping the heat sinks would have more effect. They somewhat did. The animal let out a roar and Anna felt herself take a step back out of instinct, almost feeling the hot breath on her helmet visor, before it swiped an arm at her.

She tried to dodge but wasn’t fast enough; her world went tumbling and it took a second to regain her equilibrium. Wiping the dust from her visor, she heard a gut-wrenching roar and looked to see that another had slipped past her and was headed towards Commander Shepard, who was struggling to get the second hammer activated. 

“Commander!” Ryder shouted while scrambling up. There wasn’t enough time to run and distract the thing and while Shepard could get her rifle out, the hammer was more important. So she did the first thing that came to mind; she charged towards the giant animal in a blur of purple and red energy. 

Coming between the brute and the Commander, Ryder pulled what biotics remained into a singularity and threw it. It worked for a second, but it seemed her actions had just pissed off the animal even more because it charged towards her and gave a giant swipe of its paws. She tried to move out of the way but felt the animal grab a foot and yank. Smashing to the ground, Ryder let go of her shotgun and went for her Kbar knife, hoping that she could annoy it enough to let her go. But before she could try, Ryder was yanked into the air and let out a yelp as her world was turned upside down. 

Blood rushing to her head as she dangled, Anna was dimly aware of shouting over the comms but couldn’t decode it. Letting out a grunt, she slashed at the hand that was holding her with the knife and the animal let out a howl while dropping her. Crashing to the ground, she was glad that her suit absorbed most of the impact. “ _I need to get out of here._ ” she thought while struggling to her feet. 

She managed two steps before another roar reached her ears. Out of the corner of her eye saw the giant animal lunging towards her, its paw outstretched to swipe her. Ryder flew through the air like a ragdoll and slammed into a giant slab of stone with a _crunch_ , pain shooting through her arm.

“Corporal!” Shepard yelled as she saw the younger woman get tossed across the way. The lever for the hammer finally released and Rose pulled it down as fast as she could. 

Ground shaking, she scrambled down the steps as the Reaper let out a blast of energy towards them and the brute got caught in it. “EDI, cover us!” 

Sliding towards Ryder, Shepard opened her omni-tool and was relieved to see that biosigns were still there.

\--

The pain is borderline unbearable. Breathing hurt and her left arm felt like a krogan used it as a bottle opener. Anna opened her eyes, trying to focus them and found it hard to. Vision blurring, she noticed a Vega sized blob sitting not far from where she was; in that slumped sleeping position that eerily reminded her of the same thing she used to do by her mother’s bedside. 

It took a moment for her to realize that she was in the med bay and that she was still in her black undersuit.

James roused at hearing movement, the shift of the mattress followed by the sharp inhale of breath. “Ryder?” he half whispered as he rubbed the sleep from his eyes.

“James…” Anna whispered, tears forming at how much pain she’s currently in. “What-”

“Hey. You took quite a hit back there.” James said while leaning forwards, wanting to comfort her but not daring to touch her. So he settled for putting a hand on the edge of the bed, not quite touching her but still near her. It had been a waiting game to see how she was and he was glad that Chakwas had seen how he almost wore a path in front of the window as the team worked to get Ryder stable.

“Had to-” Anna cut off with a wince as her chest let out a spasm of pain. “make sure the commander-fuck me this hurts.”

“Don’t worry about it now. We’ll talk later.” James cleared his throat as he heard footsteps approaching, glancing up to see that Doctor Chakwas was going to give Ryder another dose of pain meds. “Doctor Chakwas didn’t like what was showing up on the scans so we’re on our way to the Citadel, gonna make sure that you’re taken care of.”

Anna wanted to ask James why he was here, why he felt the need to show up in the med bay. Then the rush of pain meds hit her and she realized that he wasn’t really there, it was just the meds playing with her mind. “ _We’re just shore leave fuck buddies, he wouldn’t care enough to show up._ ” she told herself as her eyes started to get heavier and she gave into the oblivion of the medication.


	2. Aftermath

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After Tuchanka, James looks after Ryder while they both look at their relationship.

Anna slowly walked into Shepard’s apartment in the Silversun Strip, hoping that the Commander or James weren’t around. She’d just signed out of Huerta against medical advice and didn’t feel like listening to a lecture from either. 

“ _They said my implant was fine and I didn’t have any internal bleeding so I wanted to get out of there as fast as I could._ ” she thought while slightly limping towards the kitchen, intent on finding something to drink. “ _So I’ll just deal with the broken arm and bruised ribs like I would before this. Although I can actually afford the meds prescribed this time._ ”

All things considered Anna thought the broken arm, bruised ribs, assorted scrapes and bruises on her face and torso was getting off easy. 

Opening the fridge, her gaze fell on the bottle of dextro-beer and for a few seconds contemplated taking one. But she gave herself a mental shake and went for the bottle of water instead. “ _Painkillers and booze don’t mix._ ” she scolded herself, setting the bottle on the granite countertop and staring at it. Her mind was fuzzy from the latest dose of painkillers they’d given her before leaving and combined with the stress of so much movement for the first time in two days, it was hard to think.

She’d never liked hospitals, there was something about them that just made her feel helpless and awkward, then her mom had gotten sick and so for her last years in high school and then after the Alliance it had been a blur of hospitals. First Alliance facilities, because of her mother’s work with biotics, and then private care facilities where her mother spent the last few years of her life.

To Anna, hospitals were nothing but death and decay and she never wanted to be in one ever again. So it was local clinics or someone else who could be trusted. But being unconscious when arriving at the Citadel, she couldn’t voice her objections over being taken to Huerta. Fortunately Doctor Michel had been there and enough of a presence that Anna had been able to keep herself from unraveling too much.

“ _But I’m out of there now, I’m fine._ ” she forced herself to take a steadying breath and repeated it until she felt herself calm down. 

Taking the bottle of water in her left hand, Anna slowly made her way up the stairs and somehow made it to her room. Setting the water on the nightstand next to the bed, she eased herself down and relaxed as her head hit the pillow. Shifting until she was laying on her back with her left arm pillowed against her side so it could rest, Anna closed her eyes and was soon asleep.

\--  
James was worried and hopeful at the same time. 

He’d stopped by Huerta to see how Ryder was doing but Doctor Michel had told him that she’d checked out AMA. Then he’d messaged her but she didn’t answer. Deciding to track her down, to make sure that she was alright, he started with the most likely place; Zev's bar. Swinging by the bar she frequented, James had asked the man but Zev hadn’t seen her. Not wanting to worry the bartender, he simply said they were going to meet up but had gotten the time wrong. Walking along the strip of Zakarian that was functioning, James tried to keep his thoughts from getting away from him. He knew that Purgatory would be out of the question, the condition she was in meant that she couldn’t handle the partying (and it was closed until the evening anyways). That left Shep's apartment. Heading back there, he quickly discovered that the first level was completely empty. Climbing the stairs he saw that the door to the room Ryder claimed was open and decided to stick his head in. 

There she was, asleep on the bed. 

Shoulder’s slumping, James quietly dodged around the boxes that were shoved to one side and gently placed two fingers against her neck to feel for a pulse. 

“Don’t do that to me Freckles. You’ve scared me once already.” he whispered, glad that she was alright. The past few days had been incredibly nerve wracking and James was relieved that at least something was going right. 

Sitting down on the floor, he leaned his back against the mattress and ran a hand through his hair. 

“ _She’s okay. Michel said that there wasn’t any internal damage._ ” he repeated to himself. He’d wait until she was awake to ask her why she left the medical center.

\--  
Her arm felt like it was on fire and everything else like she’d just gone five rounds with a krogan without stretching. 

Eyes gritty she automatically moved her left arm to clear them but stopped when a stab of sharp pain shot through it. “ _Shit._ ” she breathed, struggling to sit up.

Blinking through the haze, she struggled to focus on her surroundings. Something at the foot of the bed moved and Anna froze, wondering what it was.

James hadn’t meant to fall asleep in Ryder’s room. He’d just wanted to sit for a few minutes and make sure that she was alright, but apparently he was more exhausted than he thought. Because the next thing he knew the bed moved, waking him up and he opened his eyes to see Anna sitting up, her face white with pain and holding her broken arm against her chest. 

“Hey.” he croaked out while sitting on the bed proper, his throat dry. “How are you?”

“I feel like a krogan used me as a punching bag.” 

James cracked a half-smile at the statement, “So slightly better than.”

“I...guess. Arm still hurts like a son of a bitch.”

James spotted the bottles of however many meds as well as the bottle of water on the nightstand. “When was the last time you took anything?”

Anna screwed up her face, trying to think exactly, “Before I left Huerta. Most likely. So I think I’m due for another round of those oh so wonderful painkillers.”

“Want some help? At least opening the bottles.” 

Anna glanced at James, seeing that he genuinely wanted to help. “Yeah. That’d be nice.” 

She watched as James sifted through the small pharmacy on the nightstand until he found what he was looking for. Swallowing them down with water felt good and she inwardly sighed. The last few days had been such a blur that Anna wasn’t even sure when it exactly was. “How long have you been here?”

“Since you first got hurt.” James kept his eyes on the bottles, knowing that if he looked at her, his resolve would fail and he wanted to keep being strong for her. “When-” Clearing his throat he took a breath before continuing, “when I heard over comms that you were hurt it felt like the floor dropped out from me. I almost wore a path in front of the med bay before Chakwas let me come in. You...you were pretty banged up and it made me realize a few things.”

Anna didn’t know what to say at the confession. She thought that seeing James in the med bay had just been a pain med induced hallucination but now that she knew different...maybe he felt the same way that she did. Then her brain caught up with everything and she wanted to have this conversation when she was more clear-headed. So she shook her head, “Not-not now please.”

“Okay.” James found the antibiotic bottle he was looking for and opened it, handing the dose to Ryder to swallow with some water.

“Can I ask why you left Huerta?” James asked quietly, not wanting his voice to carry through the still open door. “Doctor Michel said you signed yourself out against advice.”

“ _Why do you care?_ ” Anna thought while looking at James, noting the worried glint in his eyes. Looking away she shifted and tried to hide the grimace that flashed across her face but was unsuccessful. 

“Anna.” 

James using her name instead of the nickname he’d given her was enough to fill her eyes with tears. He shifted closer to her but still gave her space, wanting to comfort her but not wanting to cause her any more pain than she was already in. 

But her walls were down enough that Anna was willing to let him a little. Anna slowly reached for his hand, brushing the top with her fingers and nodding her head, letting him know that it was okay for him to move closer. Then his strong arms were around her torso and she rested her head against the shoulder.

“Hey, it’s okay.” James comforted Ryder, after moving so they were more comfortable. Mindful of her injuries, he rested his head against hers. “I’m...I’m just glad that you’re going to be okay.”

“Why?” came the muffled reply. “Why do you care?”

“Why do I care?” James echoed the question, pulling his head up so he could properly look at Ryder. “Because we’re friends and I-”

“I mean, I know that.” Anna sniffed, feeling her cheeks heat up at the moment of weakness that she’d let him see. “But why were you in my room just now? And how did you know that I signed myself out?”

“Because it scared the shit out of me when I heard you were down!” James didn’t mean to raise his voice, and broke his hold before scooting back so he could look at Ryder. A mixture of surprise and confusion crossed her face and realized that they were having this conversation whether they wanted to or not.

Running a hand through his hair he let out a sigh, “I know that you can take care of yourself in a firefight, hell I’ve seen it. But hearing over comms that you’d gotten hurt...it made me realize something.”

Anna was silent while Vega was talking, getting a feeling of what he was going to say because if she was going to be honest with herself; she’d been feeling the same way for a few weeks now. Clearing her throat she broke in, “Before you say anything else, can I explain something?”

James nodded, “Yeah.”

“When my mom was...when she was first diagnosed with cancer it cleared up some things; she hadn’t been feeling well for a long time but had always put it down to the long hours she kept or going through the divorce. After that she was in and out of hospitals for treatment, going to whatever specialist thought they could help her, sometimes staying there for weeks. Scott and I would visit her and it was always surprising to see how sick she was from everything.” Anna paused to shift into a more comfortable position.

“Eventually the doctors in Rio said there was nothing more they could do for her. By that time I was out of the Alliance and Alec was in his lab pretty much all the time. So I decided that instead of letting him stick her in some long-term care facility I’d help take care of her. And I managed for a while, we moved to Texas and my Reds activity didn’t conflict with helping my mom. But then she progressed to the point where I couldn’t give her the care that she needed. So she went into hospice and…”

“And that’s where she passed.” James supplied quietly as Anna nodded. He remained silent as Ryder avoided his gaze, letting her deal with emotions that she’d long since dealt with.

After a moment she spoke again, “Before all of that I never really liked hospitals, they just unsettled me. But after everything with my mom...it’s not a fear, I’ll do local clinics or something that’s less...formal than a hospital, but if I can absolutely avoid going into one I don’t. So when I got knocked around I couldn’t-I couldn’t...as soon as Doctor Michel said I didn’t have anything other than bruised ribs, my implant got checked out, and my arm was in a cast I signed out.”

James could tell how hard it was for Anna to tell him all of that and it just made his feelings for her grow that much more. He could also see that the painkillers were finally kicking in and that she was struggling to stay awake. The rest of their talk could wait. “What do you need right now?”

“Just for you to stay.” Anna blinked rapidly, trying to keep herself awake but feeling like she was failing. “Until I fall asleep, that is.”

“And if I want to stay longer?” 

“That would be fine.”  
\--  
Anna isn’t sure how much time passed, but opening her sticky eyes it takes a moment to realize that she’s in her room on the Citadel and her stomach is doing that swimming thing that reminded her of when she’d finally hit her drinking threshold. Struggling to sit up she tried to take slow, steady breaths to settle her stomach but it wasn’t working. Getting up, she felt her stomach lurch and she moved as quickly as she could to the bathroom. 

Making it in time, she held back her hair while being sick. Coughing as her stomach finally settled, she leaned against the countertop for support and let her shoulders drop. 

“You okay?”

“M’fine.” she mumbled while wiping the tears that had formed from her face. Rinsing out her mouth, the cool water felt good against her heated skin.

“That doesn’t seem fine to me. Maybe you should-”

“I swear if you say I should go back to Huerta, I’m going to biotically drag your ass out of here.” Anna snapped while turning to leave the bathroom, slightly grimacing at the movement. 

“Lay back down.” James finished as if Anna hadn’t interrupted him while standing back from the doorway so Anna could walk back into the bedroom. He’d left to grab something quick to eat, coming back in time to hear the toilet flush and Anna looking slightly heated. “Think you can handle toast?”

Anna considered the question before nodding her head. James pressed a gentle kiss to her head before saying, “I’ll be right back.”

James walked into the kitchen, intent on getting Ryder something to eat and drink when he heard the door open and looked up to see Shepard walk in. “Commander.”

“Vega. Do you know where Ryder is? I swung by Huerta to see how she was doing and they said she’d checked out. And that I wasn’t the first person to ask.”

James nodded, “She checked herself out AMA, but is upstairs right now. It’s not my story to tell, but Doctor Ryder's long illness wasn’t the easiest for her.”

Rose chewed on her lower lip as James talked, “We leave in the morning, do you think she can travel?”

“That’s a question for Doctor Chakwas, ma’am.”

“Right, right. I’ll ask if she can stop by to see for herself.” Rose glanced at her omni-tool to see that Traynor had messaged her about a delivery snafu that was currently happening on the ship. She turned to head out and took a few steps before stopping and turning back around, “Vega?”

“Yeah, Lola?”

“You’re doing good. With Ryder that is.”

James nodded his thanks and gingerly put the toast that was cooling onto a plate. He heard the door open and shut, but was more focused on lightly buttering the bread. Pausing for a second, he grabbed a glass and filled it with water. Walking back into the room, he was glad to see that she was still awake and looking less pale than a few minutes ago. 

“Thanks.” Anna said as James set the glass of water on the nightstand before handing her the plate. She paced herself, taking small bites until it was all gone. Feeling better, she cautiously leaned herself against his arm and inhaled the familiar smells of spiced body spray and the sharp smelling laundry detergent used on the Normandy. “I think I just had a bad reaction to not eating anything in awhile but constantly taking five different things.”

“As long as it’s just that.”

“You smell nice.” she muttered while feeling herself truly relax for the first time since this whole thing started.

James wanted to ask if she was doing okay but didn’t want to sound like a looped message, so instead he asked, “Want to watch something?”

“That sounds kind of nice. Are you going to tease me if I say an old movie?”

“How old?”

"Mid-Twentieth Century. They're always playing the pre-Mass Effect movies on some of the stations here and I love the over acting."

“Well what do you know, I like those movies as well. So that sounds right up my alley. Although I think I'll pass on those zombie movies for right now." James turned on the TV and flipped around until he found one of the pre-Mass Effect channels, lucky it wasn't a zombie movie but from around that time period if he had to guess. They sat there, her leaned against him, and James had the realization that this felt entirely normal and comfortable. He knew that they still needed to finish that conversation that they’d started earlier, and he was willing to wait until she was feeling better. James just hoped that she felt the same way that he did.


	3. A Round of Cards

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James and Ryder's relationship goes in a new direction.

It was weird to be on the Normandy without much to do. 

Because of her injuries Ryder was completely off the squad rotation and with her wrist in a cast, she couldn’t help out that much in the armory. But she still found ways to be useful, helping Cortez with what shuttle maintenance she could do and what little organization she could help Vega with.

Working with James after his confession that he’d been at her side both in the medbay after Tuchanka and then when she was back at the apartment was slightly off-putting. Neither one mentioned what passed between them but at the same time she felt a shift occur. And at the same time it seemed like they were getting closer to finding the actual headquarters of Cerberus. They were hitting more and more outposts, these ones with actual information instead of false leads. Anna also heard gossip that construction on the Crucible project was wrapping up and that they’d make a final push to take back Earth from the Reapers.

It looked like they were rapidly nearing the endgame and that left her with a stab of uncertainty, something she hadn’t felt since re-joining the Alliance under Commander Shepard.

Staring at the darkened ceiling, Ryder knew that sleep wasn’t going to come no matter how hard she tried so she slipped out of bed and headed towards the observation lounge, that area had ended up being her de facto spot when she couldn’t sleep or needed to relax while off duty. Opening the door she was slightly surprised to see James already there, normally he hung out in either the commissary or the shuttle bay.

“Thought you’d be asleep.” she replied while sitting on the arm of the couch.

“I’d say the same but I figured you show up eventually.” James teased with a smile. They’d been dancing around each other since Tuchanka, knowing they needed to really talk, but not finding either the words or the time. So he’d started showing up for a while in the hopes that Ryder would show up as well and they could finally have that talk. “How’s your arm?”

“It’s a good day.” Anna replied with a faint smile. Looking everywhere but where James was, she got up and headed towards the poker table. “How about a quick game?”

“Sure.” James sat opposite Ryder and opened the deck of cards she handed him. “What do you feel like?”

“Mmm...how about high/low. Loser answers a question from the winner.” 

Vega raised an eyebrow, reminded of the game they’d played when she first joined but nodded his agreement. Quickly shuffling the deck, he split it in half and gave her one. “On three?”

“Yeah.”

Anna flipped over an eight while James showed a king. “How are you really?”

Anna paused for a few seconds before saying, “I have a headache. And my arm hurts.” She wouldn’t say that it felt good to admit how she really felt at the moment, because it was blind luck that Chakwas had let her back on the ship instead of grounding her on the Citadel or confine her to the med bay. 

“ _I don’t think I could have handled being the only one in the apartment._ ” she thought while setting the card to the side and getting ready for the next reveal.

They flipped the cards and Anna saw her seven just beat his six. “How bad is the armory without me?”

“Horrible. A complete mess.” James smiled while idly moving the card between his fingers. “But really, I miss having your help.”

“That’s good to hear.” Anna returned the smile and winning the next round she was feeling a bit more relaxed. All that was missing was a bottle of some kind of booze. Another round had James asking her if she was getting any actual sleep and she side-stepped the answer, offering a glib, “the painkillers help most of the time.”

Three more rounds answering questions and Anna was starting to think that he’d rigged it when she finally won. “The mission before you met the Commander, the one you keep having nightmares about. What happened?”

James knew that she deserved to have him explain Fehl Prime, and...he couldn’t get the words out. He’d spent so much time pushing it down or away, or even just ignoring it the best he could; but it would always be at the back of his mind, waiting for a quiet moment to force its way to the front. But he didn’t want to ruin this moment, or what he thought this was going to become with those memories. So he shook his head, “Not now. I’ll tell you later, I promise. But ask another question.”

Swallowing, Anna figured she might as well circle back to the beginning, “Why...what did you realize when I was in the medbay?”

James knew what Ryder was trying to ask and looked at her while saying, “That this thing isn’t working between us.”

“It isn’t?” 

“That’s another question, Freckles.” James felt bad for teasing her but rules were rules. The next flip had his jack of hearts beat her ten of diamonds. “Do you ever see yourself settling down with someone?”

Anna tilted her head, not expecting the question. Truth be told until now, she hadn’t. She’d seen how her parent’s marriage had fallen apart and didn’t want to go through something like that. So she never settled for anything long-term. Better to get what you wanted in terms of fun and then end it when the other person got that look in their eyes. But with James...she felt like she actually wanted what others had. 

“Yeah.” she replied softly, even though they were the only two in the room. “I mean, if-if they wanted to as well. And if they felt the same way about me as I do them.”

“And how do you feel about me?” James waited for Anna to bring up that he’d broken the rules, but she was silent; looking at him with an expression that he couldn’t read.

“That casual isn’t going to cut it anymore.” Anna took a breath to steady herself before continuing, “I know we agreed that this was just a shore leave thing. But I can’t help but feel that other than the Commander, you’re the first person to not care about my last name. What I’ve done, who I’ve been doesn’t matter to you. And after Tuchanka...when I woke up in the medbay I thought that seeing you there was just in my head.”

“But then I said that I was there.”

Anna nodded, “And it made me realize that maybe, just _maybe_ I could find something happy in this fucked up existence we’re in now.”

Any doubts James had about how Anna felt were gone with the confession. He wanted to get up and kiss her until she couldn't breathe, but she was still injured and he didn’t want to assume anything. So instead, he got up and moved closer to her. Game forgotten, he took her uninjured hand and laced his fingers through hers. “When the Commander said you were down, it scared the crap out of me. And seeing them transport you to the medbay sent ice through my veins. And I...I realized that I didn’t want to waste anymore time.”

“So what does this mean, do I have to switch shifts?” 

James let a slight smile appear while shaking his head, “Not unless you want to. We’ve been pretty low key about it and I think we can continue that. But we could spend a little more off-duty time together, if you want that.” He brushed a strand of hair out of her field of vision, careful not to snag the stitches across her cheek. “And...if you ever want to sneak down to my bunk, I wouldn’t be opposed to it.”

“I can’t-”

“I know. And that’s fine, I enjoy spending time with you and even if we can’t have sex we could do other things.”

“Such as?”

James pretended to think before saying, “I could wrap my arms around you and we can just lay there.”

“I’d like that.” 

“Good.” Mindful of the bruises on her face, James placed a gentle kiss on the top of her head. “It’s late, we should get back to our bunks.”

“You go ahead, I’m still plenty awake.” Anna watched James leave and was suddenly struck by even though it had been a few short months since she joined the Commander, she’d somehow found someone that saw her more than just a biotic or a tarnished family name. 

“ _Mom said to fall in love at least once._ ” Anna thought as she idly flipped through the deck of cards. “ _I don’t know if I’m there yet, but with James...maybe._ ”

\--

“Corporal.” 

Anna looked up from the diagnostic display to see Commander Shepard standing next to the shuttle. She scrambled up to her feet while saluting, “Commander. I’m sorry, I didn’t hear you approach.”

Rose returned the salute before saying, “That’s alright. I seem to have a few minutes free from all the meetings and wanted to see how you were doing.” 

“Thank you, ma’am.” Anna tucked the tablet underneath her arm as she replied. “A bit better every day. Doctor Chakwas says my stitches can come out in a few.” 

“I stopped by Huerta to see how you were doing and Doctor Michel said you weren’t there. Was there something wrong with the care you were getting?”

“No, Commander. Doctor Michel was a familiar face and it was nice when I first came to. I just...I don’t handle formal hospitals well and since there was nothing concerning the doctors I decided to leave. Ja-Lieutenant Vega was kind enough to check in on me as well.”

Rose noticed the faint blush that appeared and how Ryder nearly called Vega by his first name, but chose not to draw attention to it. She’d noticed how the two seemed to pair off most times when the Normandy docked at the Citadel, but had kept the observation to herself. She knew the stress of the Reaper War was taking its toll on everyone, hell _she_ had to be reminded to stop working long enough to actually eat and get rack time, and so she’d made the decision to turn a blind-eye to inter-ship relationships. “ _Hell, even if I tried to enforce it I’d have to write myself up since technically Kaidan outranks me._ ” she thought while suppressing a smile. 

“He’s got a big heart. Somewhere under that too tight shirt and all those muscles, it’s there. But that’s not the reason I’m here. Have you thought about what you wanted to do post-war? This isn’t going to last forever and we’re all going to be different after. The Alliance will need people like everyone on the Normandy, including you.”

Anna paused, wondering where the question came from. And if she was honest, she hadn’t. Shaking her head, she replied, “Not much, Commander. Figured my posting here would end and I’d go back to living on the Citadel. Or maybe somewhere on Earth.”

“Well, think about it. From what reports I’ve seen and what Traynor’s told me, you working in the armory has been a good fit.”

“Yes ma’am, thank you.” Anna sketched a salute as Shepard gave a nod and walked off. Getting back to work, she couldn’t help but mull over the Commander’s words. Maybe she could stay on the Normandy, but what about her and James? 

She knew that carrying on a relationship with her commanding officer was against regs, but right now everyone was just taking it day by day that they didn’t bother caring. But after...she was sure that things would go back to what it was before and Ryder didn’t know if she was willing to deal with that.

“ _But I’ve got time to figure it out._ ” she told herself, pushing it to the back of her mind and focused back on the task at hand.


End file.
